Gig on the Side

A Facebook-friend of mine recently posted this picture. I wanted desperately to write a retort, but don't really think that Facebook is the outlet for my frustrations, nor do I want to engage an entire "community" (in quotes, because, really, what's communal about Facebook???) in some kind of battle - working mom versus stay-at-home mom. I am not here to say one is right or wrong, better or worse and I am pretty sure that I don't need to be validated as a SAHM, I am fairly comfortable in my skin and in this role I have chosen. I guess I just need to make my own internal reply external because I feel like this post tooted a bunch of people's horns who absolutely deserve credit for what they do day in and day out, but who don't need to make it sound like I do less because I don't have "the gig on the side". We moms, whether we have a job or not, work pretty damn hard.

Here's what my snide response would have been --
You know what else I don't get, on the side? A paycheck. Health insurance. Paid vacation. Sick days. An adult outlet. Something to dress up for. A performance review. A Christmas bonus. A lunch hour. A bathroom break.

Here's what my inner-mean-person-side would've responded (the side that knows from experience, having been a part-time working mom, how to twist the knife of guilt) --
Don't you sometimes feel like it's the "raising the kids" that you do on the side?

Here's what would've been nice of me to respond --
"Like"

Here's what my heart tells me I should've responded --
Kudos to working moms everywhere! I don't know how you do it!

And, I truly don't! I feel like life is hectic enough without fitting in trying to flip my brain back and forth from Mommy to Business Woman. When it comes right down to it I don't have what it takes to do such a thing - the mental capacity to balance a job with taking care of the house and the kids. So, I give credit to the Moms who do. You guys rock! 

But...I also have to wonder if the reason that I can't imagine having to flip my brain back and forth between the role of Working Mom and Everyday Mom is because I am so in the thick of this thing; this gig I do have, called Stay at Home Mom.  I mean, I am around children basically my entire day.  Do you know what that's like? 

My three year old asks me, "Why?" at a minimum 157 times per day.

Why is there construction on this road?
- Because the roads need repairing.
Why do the roads need 'pairing?
- Because the pavement is bumpy.
Why is the pavement bumpy?
- Because the cold weather makes it bumpy.
Why does the cold weather make it bumpy?
- (Big sigh.)  Because water seeps into the pavement, and freezes causing it to expand.  Then when it thaws the pavement is weak and cracks creating holes in the road that need to be repaired.
What's a thaw?
- Huh???

Oh, and by the way, I am answering these question while driving home from preschool, and what my brain tells me it should really be thinking about (not the scientific principles behind road repair) is how when we get home I need to feed the boys lunch quickly, so I can get them down for their naps quickly, so they will get up from their naps in time to get back in the car and pick the girls up from school to go to gymnastics.  And, don't forget their gymnastics bags.  And, a snack for the car ride.  And a milk-free snack for Declan so he doesn't whine about how the girls got snacks.  And something to drink.  Oh wait, their water bottles will be in their backpacks, they can drink those.  But, get a drink for Declan...

Maybe you are having similar thoughts while you are sitting at your desk at work, but did you ever get interrupted mid-thought at work to wipe a child's bottom?  Or, to pull the remote out of your baby's mouth?  Or, because you have reached your destination?  Only to find that when you are finally able to start thinking again that a new thought has infiltrated your brain, you never completed the old thought, and it is suddenly 3:30pm and you left the house without the gymnastics bags.

All I am trying to say is that staying home is not exactly a piece of cake, either.  Because here's the truth.  Wait for it...  Most of us, given the choice, would rather work at least part-time, because it is just too plain and simple mentally exhausting to be around these children all the time.  I will take a pause here for you to think it through and give it a fair evaluation - if money weren't a concern, would you still choose to have, in the very least, a part-time job?

A part(or full)-time job that gives you worldly respect, a bit of spending cash, a new subject to speak of or complain about, and of course a few hours away from those crazy kids!  When you are honest with yourself about it, would you agree that being around children for 12+ hours straight for more than one week is a mind-numbing, energy-sapping, mentally-draining experience?  Do you think you could remain calm?  Sane?

So, when I see posts like that on Facebook with it's sarcastic "gig on the side" which we all know means their job is WAY more than just a little thing in their world, it bites at me.  How can anyone say that staying home with children isn't a full-time job?  How can anyone think that being at home with kids isn't a test of human will power and endurance?  How could someone insinuate that being a "homemaker" is less respectful than being "employed"? 

So, I also would just like to give kudos to my contemporaries who survive on tickle time, pb&j, and stolen moments hiding behind the cabinet when we get to let our brains finish that elusive complete thought (or possibly shed a few tears). Moms who may not have the mental capacity to flip from the role of mom to the role of business woman, but who also rarely get the opportunity to flip to woman who talks about something other than Legos, Ninjago (Legos), Star Wars Legos, Legos, or poop.

Moms who may seem confused, distracted, forgetful, or ugly because they are trying to be all of the following, all at once:

- Wife
- Daughter
- Daughter-in-Law
- Sister
- Sister-in-Law
- Friend
- EMT
- Judge
- Bailiff (or sometimes Guard)
- Negotiator
- Peace Keeper
- Short Order Cook
- Vacation Planner
- PTO Board Director
- PTO Volunteer
- Room Volunteer Coordinator
- Regular Ol' School Volunteer
- Bake Sale Baker
- Soccer Mom
- Sunday School Teacher
- Driver
- Homework Supervisor
- Book Club Organizer
- Milk Producer
- Memory Keeper
- Listener
- Message Service
- Dumping Ground
- Add yours here, I know there are a ton more.

And kudos to us all because it really isn't easy and, boy, aren't we all busy, but, gee, aren't we lucky? It could be worse...we may not have been given the best role of all - Mom.

So, here's what I actually responded --



Where's the joy?
This post was mostly an opportunity for me to vent for all of the times I have been with a working mom friend and had to listen to how hard their life is, while I watch their eyes glaze over as I talk about challenges of being an at-home Mom.  So, the joy for me came from getting to let that all out!  As parents, especially Moms, and an ever-growing population of Dads, we need to stop competing over which is better or harder - stay-at-home-parent or working-parent.  We need support one another, hear one other, and be thankful.  Because the joy is in the gift of these children.  I know too many people who were either denied the role of parent or had to work really hard just have this title. So those of us who were blessed with these beauties need to remember that no matter who we are or what we do, we do it for them!