Love/Hate

Hugo is getting really good at walking while holding on to my hands.  I can feel that his balance is getting there and I have one, maybe two months left before he takes off on his own.  Which brings dread to my heart.  Mostly, because it is a sign that he is not truly a baby any more (please pause for a long sigh), but also because I have a love/hate relationship with the time between walking and three years old.

I love this age because they are just learning to speak.  Each new word that comes out of their mouths is so undeniably, scumptiously, eat-them-up cute.  Their babbling is like a stream of adorableness - you want to take every wonderful word that pours out of their miraculous mouths and string it onto  some garland and hang it up at Christmas for all the world to see.  (And, in my imagings to admire in absolute awe - "Your child said that?!  Oh, how adorably cute!  Sigh.  Swoon."  Heh. Heh. Right.)

On the other hand, they may be learning to speak, but they are also learning to communicate...and let's face it - they are no good at it.  Every word, every hand gesture, every sign takes them an enormous amount of effort causing them to wail, moan, cry, and occasionally tantrum in frustration, not at themselves for being unable to make you understand, but with you for not understanding.  They can be bitter, bitter little beings when (come on!) they are so smart; just listen to what they are saying now.  And then you don't get it?!  You don't understand?!  What the heck is your problem already?!

But even worse, to me, is that with their mobility comes some of the most energy-consuming moments, heck long spans of time, in a Mother's life.  If you have read Harry Potter then you can hear Mad-Eye's voice barking at you when I say, "Constant Vigilance!"  This is my motto during toddlerhood.  Constant vigilance!  It is exhausting.  I sometimes feel like a rolling eyeball that could see in the back of my head (as well as through walls) would not be remisce. 

Lego long lost under the loveseat?  Zoink.  Attempting to waddle over the discarded baby doll?  Dive.  Look at those little legs going as fast as they possibly can.  Quick!  Caculate in your head the furthest distance you can let your child run and still catch them before they get to the end of the driveway.  Hey, why do we put these two-pronged thingy-ma-bobs- into these little holes?  Isn't that intersting?  Grab.  What's this crawling thing in the grass?  Swipe.  Hey, I can ride that bike if you can!  Reach.  Dive.  Swat.  Steal.  Grab.  Run.  Run.  Pull.  Catch.  Dive.  Run.  Dive.  Run.  Dive.  Run.

Yeah...you remember.  Or, you'll be there soon enough.  Good luck to you my friend.

And, of course, the social life you once had that has run completely dry will suddenly return in full swing.  You will be invited to picnics and birthday partys and barbeques and more birthday parties.  Will you get to talk to even one of those long lost friends?  Nope.  Here is how the conversation will go.

"Oh hi, Susan, I haven't seen you in so long!  How is little Robbie doing?  What?  He's four already?  I can't believe that!  Are you still..."  Wait.  Where'd you go?  Nice dive!!!  Only Susan doesn't even stop to admire your amazingness as you save your 15-month old's life...no, you get no praise, no glory, because she has already been distracted by little Robbie sauntering up covered in some kind of goo, wanting another snack.  You are left to toddle after your toddler and seek your fortunes elsewhere, where you will begin the whole maddening process over again.  Thirty-seven minutes later, you will come within speaking distance of Susan again and for the last time at this party.  You will give her the head nod and smile combo.  It just isn't worth it.

And this, my friends, is how we moms become socially isolated.

Meanwhile, over at the beer cooler...

So, where's the joy?

Are you kidding?  Each little finger pinch at an ant or long-distance freedom trial down the driveway is a best-selling short story.  Your only buyer may be yourself and your husband, but your coin is worth more than all the bling in the world to this child, so cash it in!  And, when you have a truly good one be sure to call Grandma.  She's always all ears because she lives, and I mean lives, to repeat that story to her bridge group.  So what that your old working friend could give two shakes about what your little man did this morning, you are his champion and this is the story of his life.  Be sure to write down a few of these morsels because though he may tire of hearing about the time he got the Cheerios and milk out on his own, when he has a two year old of his own he is going to remember that story that you have been telling everyone for the last thirty years and shake his head at the marvel that is his own child.  And the world will flip on it's head for several moments and he will see the love pouring out of you to two-year old him...even as he also remembers how you scared the mushrooms out of him screaming for him to put the gallon down.  And so it goes.

Gig on the Side

A Facebook-friend of mine recently posted this picture. I wanted desperately to write a retort, but don't really think that Facebook is the outlet for my frustrations, nor do I want to engage an entire "community" (in quotes, because, really, what's communal about Facebook???) in some kind of battle - working mom versus stay-at-home mom. I am not here to say one is right or wrong, better or worse and I am pretty sure that I don't need to be validated as a SAHM, I am fairly comfortable in my skin and in this role I have chosen. I guess I just need to make my own internal reply external because I feel like this post tooted a bunch of people's horns who absolutely deserve credit for what they do day in and day out, but who don't need to make it sound like I do less because I don't have "the gig on the side". We moms, whether we have a job or not, work pretty damn hard.

Here's what my snide response would have been --
You know what else I don't get, on the side? A paycheck. Health insurance. Paid vacation. Sick days. An adult outlet. Something to dress up for. A performance review. A Christmas bonus. A lunch hour. A bathroom break.

Here's what my inner-mean-person-side would've responded (the side that knows from experience, having been a part-time working mom, how to twist the knife of guilt) --
Don't you sometimes feel like it's the "raising the kids" that you do on the side?

Here's what would've been nice of me to respond --
"Like"

Here's what my heart tells me I should've responded --
Kudos to working moms everywhere! I don't know how you do it!

And, I truly don't! I feel like life is hectic enough without fitting in trying to flip my brain back and forth from Mommy to Business Woman. When it comes right down to it I don't have what it takes to do such a thing - the mental capacity to balance a job with taking care of the house and the kids. So, I give credit to the Moms who do. You guys rock! 

But...I also have to wonder if the reason that I can't imagine having to flip my brain back and forth between the role of Working Mom and Everyday Mom is because I am so in the thick of this thing; this gig I do have, called Stay at Home Mom.  I mean, I am around children basically my entire day.  Do you know what that's like? 

My three year old asks me, "Why?" at a minimum 157 times per day.

Why is there construction on this road?
- Because the roads need repairing.
Why do the roads need 'pairing?
- Because the pavement is bumpy.
Why is the pavement bumpy?
- Because the cold weather makes it bumpy.
Why does the cold weather make it bumpy?
- (Big sigh.)  Because water seeps into the pavement, and freezes causing it to expand.  Then when it thaws the pavement is weak and cracks creating holes in the road that need to be repaired.
What's a thaw?
- Huh???

Oh, and by the way, I am answering these question while driving home from preschool, and what my brain tells me it should really be thinking about (not the scientific principles behind road repair) is how when we get home I need to feed the boys lunch quickly, so I can get them down for their naps quickly, so they will get up from their naps in time to get back in the car and pick the girls up from school to go to gymnastics.  And, don't forget their gymnastics bags.  And, a snack for the car ride.  And a milk-free snack for Declan so he doesn't whine about how the girls got snacks.  And something to drink.  Oh wait, their water bottles will be in their backpacks, they can drink those.  But, get a drink for Declan...

Maybe you are having similar thoughts while you are sitting at your desk at work, but did you ever get interrupted mid-thought at work to wipe a child's bottom?  Or, to pull the remote out of your baby's mouth?  Or, because you have reached your destination?  Only to find that when you are finally able to start thinking again that a new thought has infiltrated your brain, you never completed the old thought, and it is suddenly 3:30pm and you left the house without the gymnastics bags.

All I am trying to say is that staying home is not exactly a piece of cake, either.  Because here's the truth.  Wait for it...  Most of us, given the choice, would rather work at least part-time, because it is just too plain and simple mentally exhausting to be around these children all the time.  I will take a pause here for you to think it through and give it a fair evaluation - if money weren't a concern, would you still choose to have, in the very least, a part-time job?

A part(or full)-time job that gives you worldly respect, a bit of spending cash, a new subject to speak of or complain about, and of course a few hours away from those crazy kids!  When you are honest with yourself about it, would you agree that being around children for 12+ hours straight for more than one week is a mind-numbing, energy-sapping, mentally-draining experience?  Do you think you could remain calm?  Sane?

So, when I see posts like that on Facebook with it's sarcastic "gig on the side" which we all know means their job is WAY more than just a little thing in their world, it bites at me.  How can anyone say that staying home with children isn't a full-time job?  How can anyone think that being at home with kids isn't a test of human will power and endurance?  How could someone insinuate that being a "homemaker" is less respectful than being "employed"? 

So, I also would just like to give kudos to my contemporaries who survive on tickle time, pb&j, and stolen moments hiding behind the cabinet when we get to let our brains finish that elusive complete thought (or possibly shed a few tears). Moms who may not have the mental capacity to flip from the role of mom to the role of business woman, but who also rarely get the opportunity to flip to woman who talks about something other than Legos, Ninjago (Legos), Star Wars Legos, Legos, or poop.

Moms who may seem confused, distracted, forgetful, or ugly because they are trying to be all of the following, all at once:

- Wife
- Daughter
- Daughter-in-Law
- Sister
- Sister-in-Law
- Friend
- EMT
- Judge
- Bailiff (or sometimes Guard)
- Negotiator
- Peace Keeper
- Short Order Cook
- Vacation Planner
- PTO Board Director
- PTO Volunteer
- Room Volunteer Coordinator
- Regular Ol' School Volunteer
- Bake Sale Baker
- Soccer Mom
- Sunday School Teacher
- Driver
- Homework Supervisor
- Book Club Organizer
- Milk Producer
- Memory Keeper
- Listener
- Message Service
- Dumping Ground
- Add yours here, I know there are a ton more.

And kudos to us all because it really isn't easy and, boy, aren't we all busy, but, gee, aren't we lucky? It could be worse...we may not have been given the best role of all - Mom.

So, here's what I actually responded --



Where's the joy?
This post was mostly an opportunity for me to vent for all of the times I have been with a working mom friend and had to listen to how hard their life is, while I watch their eyes glaze over as I talk about challenges of being an at-home Mom.  So, the joy for me came from getting to let that all out!  As parents, especially Moms, and an ever-growing population of Dads, we need to stop competing over which is better or harder - stay-at-home-parent or working-parent.  We need support one another, hear one other, and be thankful.  Because the joy is in the gift of these children.  I know too many people who were either denied the role of parent or had to work really hard just have this title. So those of us who were blessed with these beauties need to remember that no matter who we are or what we do, we do it for them!

Beginnings

I hope that this will be the beginning of a new adventure.

For you -- I am hoping this blog will offer you a place to come and shake your head at another family's misdeeds.  A stop along your busy day where you can have a few sips of whatever it is you are drinking (my vote would be a mocha frappuccino) while reading something that may make you smile...or possibly wince.  If you pee in your pants, then I win and you owe me whatever it was you were drinking.

For me -- I have always enjoyed writing, and to be honest, am a tad bit angered at all of the success people are having lately with their amateur blogs.  Let's face it, I am just jealous.  All the same, here is my amateur attempt.  Maybe I will meet with success, maybe I will run out of time and this will fizzle into oblivion, maybe no one will read it.  At least I tried.

For us -- I hope this will be the beginning of a beautiful friendship.  Not the kind where we meet for coffee (unless it is metaphorically speaking, as in we "meet" here at this blog while you drink your morning cuppa) - don't expect our families go on weeklong vacations together - but the kind where you respect someone from a distance all the while knowing that if you really got to know them you probably wouldn't like them very much.  Still, I hope you will enjoy what you read, friend.

Now sit up, and start finding some joy in all that parenting you do or you're not getting any dessert.  For a week!